Ok, fine…I’ve been sick!
There I admitted it!…yes I am one of those people who fight it, not at the risk of infecting other people, I mean everybody knows that you are way past the contagious stage when you’re feeling like crap. I had this coming though, I kind of brought it on myself. It all started Sunday…boy was I ready to bite! My mood was all-a-whack! It was one of those times. One of those situations. Things build to a head under the skin you give it a poke and
That’s all she wrote. I have been trying not to build up resentment or frustration, but sometimes one can’t help what one feels. Especially when you have done everything that you possibly can for the situation! I am not particularly stubborn when it comes to solving problems and doing what needs to be done. HOWEVER (that is a big however) I am stubborn when it comes to unresolved problems. It’s a cluster-funk of feeling. I am a big talker/fixer surrounded by people who would rather ignore the problem (LA-LA-LA!) then face/fix it out of pacifist fear that there might actually be an uncomfortable moment or two.
But you don’t want to hear these problems…just what brought about your lack of reading material. Sunday started it, and after two nights of not sleeping out of being over the boiling point of point-blank being ignored and the blood pressure that comes with the grab bag of opposing emotions (you all know how I think/over-think A self-narrated life and the girl who lives behind its tones After two days I had a novel that rivaled War & Peace!…no pun actually intended, but well received on my end! Ha-ha!) Weiky:
Fell right on his head! On the wood floor from a basket! All wet and freaking out. He rolled to his side whining and growling in full defense mode (he had come from an abusive situation-I will give you a full history at some future point.). I of course sleep deprived and panicking- for I am still on edge with the animals health from what happened to my Mo-Jo. Ran him down to check out his pupils and see if he needed emergency assistance. I was so scared. But his pupils were fine (dilating and responsive) he walked fine, pushing on joints, limbs and major focal points he didn’t yipe or show pain. He responded to his name, wasn’t disoriented or even wobbling. e ate cheese (his fav treat) ran up stairs, jumped on couches, no fear. No the fear was all mine, I was so scared to get comfortable, to put my defenses down. I didn’t want to be surprised by tragedy again. I kept telling myself the worst doesn’t always happen, but my mind was not controlled. I was fully sickened. I cried on and off like a baby. So anxious. Not even a week before were we anxious about mo-mo’s sister kitty because she had thrown up several major hairballs and wasn’t keeping food down for two days (later knowing it was the acid upset in her tummy) She got constipated as is common with these hairballs, but is/was totally fine. We are just all on edge, super hyper aware of the little heath woes of our animals. Mo-jo’s was a freak accident. When I adopted him he had hurt paws. No one knowing how. So he had an internal injury that even the vet wouldn’t have been able to find, for there were no signs. He lived a great life and was an isolated incident. Still when it comes to love, and that much of it, it’s hard to use your brains.
I am confident now that Weiky is fine, but fevered, sick and mentally illogical it was a mess. Emotions were high and that didn’t help any of my defenses. I didn’t want to whine and complain to my blogies so I wrote up my stories instead. I took care of myself, got rest and really…well I won’t say fixed in the head, better and more understanding. I guess in a way I was still unknowingly suffering from PTS from what happened to Mo-jo. I know some people may think “it’s just a cat.” never is anything a “just” to me. Hell when I was little I was sick (emotionally) for day after seeing Cabaret for the first time because of Natalia’s dog being killed be the pre-Nazi cause. Hate crimes and animal violence. I couldn’t mentally or emotionally handle them as a child (not that they are a walk in the park for anybody) I was almost irrational in my reactions. I was so sensitive. But I balanced. Found my voice, strength and wisdom. This was my biggest childhood fear come true, like the boogie man come to life. I guess some part of me became that irrational child again, holding instead of a blanky my insides to cause that gut wrenching pain of fear when ever insecurities, and unsure moments mounted. Logic, faith and trust were gone. It was only me, the little girl and the overwhelming almost crippling anxiety.
I try to learn and apply tragedy to my life. To change accordingly from the lesson you can take. To improve. I almost felt by reverting to this little girl after what happened I was spitting in the eye of the universe,of fate and that they (as funny, irrational and almost self-important as this sounds) would try to teach me again.
So in trying to keep a stiff upper lip, chin high and the little girl along with irritation, aggravation and upset at bay I got a build up, a pent-up of all things and…*cough-cough*
Now I know though I have to face it, the little girl and the panic, anxiety and almost weakness that comes with her. I am a new me so perhaps it is time I do reface her and relearn how to integrate her into my mind and manner. I have lived pent-up, held tight. Unaware f how to deal with myself because others refused to learn. Punishing myself to punish them, screaming without speaking. I know that is wrong and that I must face every part of me. Let it out, alone or with friends. Denied myself in pretending. No. Pent up no more, over pouring no more. Not by my will. I will face these pains, these weaknesses, and not be scared by the label. Who knows? It may be the making of me.
I will not though make it a project, to fail or succeed. Too much pressure. Instead I will live my life and take it as they come up. I will flow to the situation I will not become its victim. I will try not to waste time or energy preparing. I will feel with the days, the hours the moments.
And right now…I will heal.